Dear
God,
I know it has been a while since my last letter. Last time,
when I wrote to you, I felt so much better that I had resolved to keep writing
to you, to sort my messed up thoughts if not for anything else. And I did try
to keep that word. I did try to write whenever it felt like my head was going
to explode. But after a sentence or two, I would throw it in the trash. There
was nothing to write. Somehow this hurt me. The fact that I have been reduced
to a stage where I do not have any hope left in life… And to think that I let
someone do this to me…
What is even more depressing is that no one knows. Even the
people who I see every day and talk to, do not look past the facade. Even my
close friends may think that I am happy. No one really knows the strain behind
each smile; the heart ache behind each laugh; the pain I go through every time
someone makes a random comment which brings about a flash of memories of him. I
feel alone in this world. And for that, I have no one to blame but me.
I want to move on. I know that I can. I know that I should. But
I am scared. I am not yet ready to bring someone else into my life in his
place. I do have this big hole in my life where he used to be. I know that I
can be happy if I let myself be. But I don’t seem to want to give up my
memories either. I am confused, God. I don’t know what to do.
And is it even right to move on so fast? I see all my
friends in a happy relationship and I am jealous. I want that happiness. I want
that feeling of being loved. I have been in pain for more than 2 years now.
Don’t I deserve some happiness? Somehow when such thoughts cross my mind, I
feel guilty. As if I am cheating on him. But he was the one who left. He was
the one who gave up on us. Why am I still concerned about him? Why am I even
worried how he is? I shouldn’t even care, right? I wish life was simpler.
Why is life so unfair, God?
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